Fear not. Although it may be impossible to slow things down—we are all going along for the ride—it is possible to gain clarity, to have moments of illumination amidst all the chaos and confusion. Ancient wisdom such as astrology teaches us that the more things change, the more things stay the same. Rather paradoxically, the more things on a superficial level seem or appear different, the more things are really, at heart, unchanged. There really is nothing new under the sun.

Here then is presented the Astro-glossary: A guide for the Perplexed. Here is a simple lexicon that uses the timeless teachings of astrology to help decode and decipher all the bizarre buzzwords and nefarious neologisms that keep cropping up to keep pace with today’s changing climate. Here then is your guide to wipe off that look of naïve, dumbfounded bewilderment when colloquialisms of the Aquarian Age crop up at the holiday party or at the office cooler. Armed with the secret knowledge of the Astro-glossary, you can say confidently and with your usual aplomb, “Yes, yes, I know exactly what you are talking about and, indeed, I know exactly from whence you are coming from!”

411, the n. : (1) of or referring to Mercury (2) A request for Mercurial input, as in “What’s the 411?”

Blandiose adj. : Relating to something that appears impressive or that has pretensions to grandeur, but that is actually bland, usually coming from the mouths of those with Saturn in hard aspect to Mercury.

Bling-Bling n. : A particular type of gaudy and ostentatious jewelry adored only by those with stelliums in Taurus or significant aspects involving Jupiter, Venus, and Pluto.

Bobo n. : Abbreviated form of ‘bourgeois bohemian.’ (1) One who espouses or partakes in countercultural ideas, trends, or activities, but enjoys the creature comforts, privileges, and security of the bourgeois lifestyle. (2) Anyone who searches for greater individuality, purpose, independence and/or meaning after the Uranus opposition but who is unwilling to completely relinquish the foundation arranged during the Saturn Return.

Bridezilla n. : A bride-to-be who, while planning her wedding, becomes exceptionally selfish, greedy, and obnoxious. Usually coincides with Pluto transiting the bride-to-be’s Moon.

Chill v. : Verbal admonition as declared by one experiencing significant Neptune transits to individuals that possess too much Saturn and/or Uranus.

Cronehood n. : The period in a woman’s life which follows rearing children. Alternatively, the phase in a woman’s life that follows the second Saturn Return.

Duppie n. : Depressed Urban Professional. Refers to any individual with the unfortunate circumstance of having Saturn in major aspect to four or more planets in the birth chart.

Faith-based adj. : An oxymoronic description referring to activities or groups that simply cannot deal with Pluto’s current sojourn through Sagittarius.

Flexitarian n. : A person who eats a mostly vegetarian diet, but who is also willing to eat meat or fish occasionally, or, alternatively, a person with Moon in Libra sextile Saturn.

Go postal v. : Unfortunate acts of extreme rage perpetrated by those with highly repressed Mars or who are incurring significant transits from Uranus or Pluto to natal Mars.

Grassy knollism n. : A tendency to formulate conspiracy theories, despite facts to the contrary or a lack of evidence—the product of way too much Scorpio or Pluto in one’s natal chart.

Hurried Child Syndrome n. : The unfortunate result of unconscious parents who have decided not to integrate their own Saturn and force it on their children.

IT guy n. : Any geekish corporate slave versatile in the world of computers born with prominent Sun-Uranus aspects and challenging Saturn-Venus configurations.

Keep it real n. : An invocation or plea to the Gods of Pluto and/or Saturn.

Librarian chic n. : style that uses elements of, or is inspired by, the styles stereotypically attributed to librarians. Usually the result of too many Saturn-Venus individuals entering the fashion industry.

Metrosexual n. : Any urban dwelling male who has learned to accept his Venus and not project it onto women.

Mullet n. : Hairdo best described by the following phrase: “Business in the front, party in the back.” Made popular by those born under noteworthy Saturn-Pluto oppositions or squares.

Nannycam n. : Especially small hidden camera used by parents to spy on unsuspecting caretakers, a particular favorite among those born with Pluto, Mercury, Moon triple conjunctions.

Politically Correct Movement n. : (1) The age-old technique of employing one’s Saturn so as to conceal one’s Pluto. (2) An unconscious plot by the powers that be to disenfranchise and marginalize all those born with Mercury in Scorpio or with prominent Mercury-Pluto aspects.

Soccer Mom n. : (1) A woman who, engulfed in the lunar role of wife and adoring mother, learns to live out her Mars vicariously through her children. (2) A woman born with a t-square involving Mars, Saturn, and the Moon.

Sugar Daddy n. : Typically refers to Capricorn males approaching their second Saturn Return who are simultaneously experiencing a Uranus transit to their Venus.

Trustafarians n. : (1) Blessed souls born with Jupiter in the Second House and a heavily aspected Neptune. (2) Those that deal with significant Saturn transits by any means of sedation possible.

Weapon of mass distraction n. : Speech or political issue promulgated by partisan demagogues. Particularly susceptible are those born with Mercury in Pisces or in hard aspect to Neptune.

Yawn in Technicolor v. : The Saturnian repercussions of an indulging an unintegrated Neptune.

Yummy Mummy n. : A post Saturn Return (if not post Uranus opposition) female who has satiated her lunar obligations and still has a powerful Venus.