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My Story

by Susan Dearborn Jackson

Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved

Last summer, I was in chemotherapy, receiving treatments every three weeks. As anyone who has been through chemo knows, I didn't have much energy the week following each treatment. So I slept, read and lounged around the pond on our small farm in central Oregon. As a long-time Buddhist practitioner, I was familiar with the concept of suffering and suddenly, I was experiencing my own suffering! Life felt so precious and I began to be more fully present in the moment. 

During the two week period before the next onslaught of chemo, I did continue to see clients. Because of my energy level,, I found myself letting go of trying to interpret every
detail in the chart and turning instead to the first thing I had learned in my counseling training: Be where the client is! Over time, I realized my work was deepening. I was learning to listen, to be present with someone else's pain or anxiety or concerns.

Instead of going through my usual routine of interpretation, I would begin sessions by asking the client, "What brings you to see me for a reading?" The quieter I got, the more clients opened up and shared what was really going on in their lives, on both the inner and outer levels.

Often, long-time clients who had known me B.C. (before cancer) would stop in the middle of a sentence, look embarrassed, and say that their problems were so trivial compared to mine. And very genuinely, I would reply that, no, one of the things I was learning is that you can't compare suffering, that their suffering was just as real and just as big as mine was. To a person, they would sit back in their chair, relieved and relaxed, and continue with their story.

As astrologers and as counselors, we know we can't and shouldn't try to "solve" our clients' problems. But I'll be honest: over my 25 years of practice, I've had to remind myself to go of the need to "help" the other person, to let go of being "right", to let go of being attached to having the answers. I often silently say a prayer at these times to let go of attachment and to simply be of benefit to the client. Sometimes that benefit would be obvious and , many times, I had no idea what that benefit would look like but I trusted the larger workings of Life and Spirit.

A year later, I feel great, I'm healthy, and I continue to be aware of how precious life is. I'm teaching astrology again, facilitating dream groups, and seeing five to ten clients a week. And I'm still learning to deeply listen, to be fully present, and to expand my capacity to be truly compassionate. My knowledge hasn't necessarily increased but my intuition and my ability to see my openness as a strength and source of inner beauty has grown. I give what I can to each client who walks into my office and even if I can't see what that gift is, I trust they will find it for themselves.

I read this article to my mother, another breast cancer survivor, who wisely and pointedly asked what I hoped someone would come away with after reading this piece. My hope is this: that none of you will have to go through a life-threatening illness or any other kind of life-changing crisis to discover or even to be reminded of what we can truly give to our clients. My intention is simple. This has been my experience and my great opportunity to transform and deepen my ability to be of benefit to others through really listening to and being present with them while they tell their story.

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